an open letter to my eating disorder
friend, enemy, both? i am not sure what to call you. we have known each other for a little over two years. i don’t know what to think of those two years.
do you remember the day that we met? it was when i was hospitalised back in 2014. my anxiety was so bad at the time that it was causing stomach issues and i had no appetite. i was losing weight…fast. i remember the nurses watching me while they put food in front of me. they would tell me to stay in the cafeteria for an hour after i ate. i was oblivious. i didn’t know why they were telling me these things.
the nurses explained to me that they thought i had an eating disorder, but those words meant nothing to me. i didn’t know why they would think that. i couldn’t understand. i was missing something. i remember calling my mom from the hospital one day, crying. i didn’t understand what i was doing to make them think that.
you kept coming into my thoughts, Ed. you were in all of my thoughts and i thought that i might as well “try it out”. i had no idea what i was about to get myself into…
more than two years later, i have had enough of you. yes, you made me feel safe. you gave me an identity. you made me feel loved at times. you told me that if i was at a certain weight, i would be happy. naively, i believed all of the things you told me. i reached that weight. my depression only got worse.
you were demanding, but you were always there for me. you were manipulative but safe to be around. i never knew what to think of you but now i do.
you stole my joy. you stole my happiness. you are a LIAR, Ed. you told me that to be “skinny” meant i would “feel good”. you said that if i was skinny i would be “worthy of love” and “beautiful”. but let me say one thing before we move on—i WAS worthy and i WAS beautiful before i met you. i was happy and i did have an identity before you came along.
Ed, let me tell you a little bit of who i really am.
my name is Annie Elizabeth Snyder. i am a daughter of the most high King who loves and treasures me SO much that He sent His son to die on a cross to save ME.
i consider the holy spirit my best friend. he is my Comforter. he is my Strength. he is Love. he is everything that you are not, and i am so thankful that i found him before you got the best of me. i am so thankful that he dwells inside of me and will never leave me.
a little bit more about me...i cherish coffee and DIY dates with my sweet little sister, Gracie. i enjoy reading and writing (usually with a iced vanilla latte or a lavender latte by my side). my favorite flowers are sunflowers and they bring me SO much joy.
i love traveling and missions work. i want to adopt someday. i have a heart for those that are fatherless here on earth. i want to show Jesus’ love to them. i want them to know that they are so so dearly loved and treasured.
Ed, i WILL live a life of FREEDOM and JOY and LOVE without you. i WILL be free from the bondage of rituals, rules and numbers on a scale...i will no longer be a slave to you.
thank you for all the lessons that you taught me, but i am going to have to say goodbye.
my name is Annie Elizabeth Snyder and i am a daughter of the King. i am no longer a slave to Ed. thank you Jesus!!!
For more of Annie's writing, visit her blog My story. His purpose.